


Later Is Better Than Never

by Freekish



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: 90s, Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, College, Implied Sexual Content, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Military, Sad with a Happy Ending, amputee eren, brief mentions of military violence, slightly OOC, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-07
Updated: 2015-06-07
Packaged: 2018-04-03 06:31:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4090594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freekish/pseuds/Freekish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He fell asleep in his arms, something he’s only ever done a handful of times before. The warmth and weight of his arm feels right…feels safe. Steady slow breathes ghost over the back of his neck, reminding him this is where he belongs, where he should stay, but this is all temporary. He’ll be gone in a few hours.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Later Is Better Than Never

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place in the early 90s, before cell phones were popular and easily accessible, before social media and skype. Pretty much the only way to communicate was a landline telephone and handwriting letters. 
> 
>  
> 
> I don't know why this AU popped into my head, but as always it wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it down and now I'm sharing it with all of you. 
> 
> Hope you like it :)

He fell asleep in his arms, something he’s only ever done a handful of times before. The warmth and weight of his arm feels right…feels safe. Steady slow breathes ghost over the back of his neck, reminding him this is where he belongs, where he should stay, but this is all temporary. He’ll be gone in a few hours.

It hurts. His chest aches, his lungs burn with every breath he inhales, his nose filling with a scent he shouldn’t be use to. Hot unshed tears gather in the corners of his eyes, but he refuses to let them fall. 

The sun is just breaking through the trees in the backyard, he needs to leave before his parents find out he’s gone. They’ll ask questions. Questions he’s not sure he has the answers to, and answers he’s not sure they’re ready to hear yet. 

He could just get up and leave, not look back, but just the thought makes the cage around his heart squeeze too tight. It wouldn’t be right, it’s not what _he_ deserves. Not after all the secrecy and denying to anyone who asked. Not after everything they’ve shared; every touch, every kiss, every sigh, every moment after listening to the other’s heartbeat. Or every time he’s held his hand and squeezed telling him silently not to go.

A wash of gold colors the room now, alerting Eren that he’s run out of time. With a heavy heart and a lump in his throat he can’t seem to swallow, he peers over his shoulder to the boy behind him. Even in sleep there’s still a line between his brows, though it’s faint, the rest of his face completely relaxed, at peace. Eren turns his body to face him, memorize what he can in the minute he’s allowing himself before he has to leave. He reaches for the wrist resting on his waist, easing the arm to lay between them, tracing his fingers over the skin up the arm to the exposed shoulder. His fingers follow the path of prominent collar bones, hesitating over the light bruise he placed there not hours ago. Blue-green eyes rove over every inch of the other’s face, daring those eyes to open so he can stare into light brown, almost amber eyes, but they stay closed. Without hesitating, he cups the sharp jawline that his lips have traced many times, his thumb smoothing the skin over those high cheek bones. The tips of his fingers disappear into the overgrown undercut, the dark brown roots giving away the blonde illusion on the top of the other’s head. Eren smiles to himself, remembering all the times he made fun of him for his haircut and unnatural blonde hair, but it grew on him and he can’t imagine this boy without it. He can’t imagine being without this boy, but it’s something he has to endure. 

Eren presses their foreheads together. “I’ll miss you.”

He kisses the crease between the blonde’s brow and pulls himself away and out of the bed. His shirt is right where he left it on the floor, he thinks of leaving it and grabbing one of the many other shirts that don’t belong to him on the floor. But he already left a piece of himself behind, he shouldn’t leave more. He tugs his shirt on and ducks out the bedroom window onto the roof of the back porch and carefully climbs down the side. He won’t look back. Nope. Not even a peak. He keeps his face forward walking the whole way home in the early light of the dawn hour. 

—

Jean wakes to the birds and the bright light spilling into his room. The light stings his eyes and he tries to burrow deeper into his pillow. He lets out a sigh, finally remembering what today is. 

Eren leaves today. 

The idiot enlisted, joining the Marines. Something he has dreamed of since he was little. 

He always thought Eren was slightly suicidal for wanting to join the military, putting his life on the line for what…some stupid war. 

Jean wanted to beg him to stay, go to school with the rest of their friends where he’ll be safe and in one piece. No matter how much Jean wanted Eren to stay for him, he had no right to ask him to abandon his dream. 

They aren’t together. Not officially at least. They are not each other’s boyfriend. They never came up with labels for what they are. Feelings are definitely involved even if neither of them said anything. 

Their friends didn’t know, they hid everything for the entirety of senior year. Only their friends were aware Eren was gay and most assumed Jean was straight (only Marco knew he was pansexual) so they never would have thought they would be together. Eren didn’t want a lot of people to know especially because he was going into the military, he wasn’t sure how the other soldiers would react if they found out should word spread that far. 

In school their interactions were minimal. No notes. No longing, lingering stares. They knew better. When everyone was at the Friday night football games supporting the undefeated home team, they’d usually be on the other side of school grounds in the backseat of Eren’s truck, sighing into each other’s mouths and swallowing moans, hoping they wouldn’t get caught. 

They graduated two months ago. Jean has plans to go to a really good art school a few states over. He doesn’t know when or if he’ll see Eren again. But the brunette promised to write when he could. He doesn’t expect Jean to write back, he even said so. By the time he gets a letter, Eren could be in a new location. 

He also said he doesn’t expect Jean to wait for him, it would be nice, but he doesn’t want to limit Jean from growing and liking someone if another person came along. Jean doesn’t say it, but he doesn’t think there will be another person. There’s no one like Eren therefore there can be no substitute. 

Jean isn’t sure he wants to get out of bed today. He never thought he would be one to mope around after someone leaving, but this hurts way more than he thought it would. Maybe he’ll give himself just a few minutes or hours to hurt before he puts on his indifferent mask and face the day. His body curls in on itself and his hands tighten into fists. Something bites into the skin of his palm and he jolts up dropping whatever was in his hand. A key. An antique key dangling from a leather cord that usually is around Eren’s neck. He would never be seen without it. Jean pulls in a shuttering breath exhaling in a quick huff, tangling his fingers in the leather cord, holding the key delicately in his other hand. He stares at the metal in his hand, it’s strange looking at it by itself and not hanging from the boy’s neck, the key usually resting right over the bottom of his sternum. Eren left it for him as a reminder that he’ll come back one day. 

—

The start of the new school year sneaks up on everyone. They all say their temporary goodbyes, see you over break, and head in different directions. Some of Jean’s friends are sticking closer to home, some are going farther than him. He’s not going alone though. Connie and Sasha are going to the same school, Armin and Marco will be in the same city but different schools. While most freshmen are out celebrating their new found freedom away from home, Jean dives into his school work, staying distracted. He has his sights set on high goals, a comfortable life, a safe one. 

Marco senses something off about Jean. It’s not until the two of them are together along with Armin that he realizes what might be wrong. Any time Jean talks with Armin he asks if he’s heard from Eren, does he know how he is, where he is. Armin tells him Eren really only talks to his parents, so whatever information he has is usually dated because by the time he hears anything, a week or two could have already passed. But from what he’s heard last, Eren is still in bootcamp at a base somewhere on the east coast. Says he’s doing well so far, the higher ups see a lot of promise in him.

Jean tries not to let his relief be too obvious, but Marco notices. He finds it odd that Jean is so curious about the well being of a kid he spend most of his time arguing with in high school. Maybe time away has soothed whatever animosity they use to have. Though, Marco worries about Eren too, all their friends do, so maybe it is not so strange to ask all these questions. 

Midterms come and go, stress levels peak and then crash back down when everyone heads home for winter break. Jean returns home and sits in his quiet room. There are no letters. No Eren. He’s not sure he’s happy to be home, there are not enough distractions. Everywhere he looks he’s reminded of the boy he unintentionally gave his heart to. His room turned into a museum of reminders of moments shared together. He doesn’t spend much time in there. The only reminder he needs he carries with him around his neck.

The holidays pass by quickly, the new year comes in uneventfully and it’s back to school. Jean lightens up a little bit. He still does his school work but allows Connie and Sasha to drag him out for a few nights of fun. They occasionally try to get him to talk to some girls, to flirt, have fun. He’ll indulge them, talk to some people but it never goes beyond that. When he talks he keeps questions and answers light and vague, never giving away if he’s single or taken because he’s actually somewhere in between. No one can capture him like Eren did. No one looks at him like Eren did.

The loneliness hits hard. The weight against his chest feels heavier everyday. More often than not he catches himself staring into space wondering what the other boy is doing. Is he being safe? Last Armin heard, Eren is still in training but there are rumors that the training is almost done and he’ll be shipped off. No word as to where. 

Finals are a bitch. The whole campus seems to buzz with caffeine induced stress. Sleepless nights are the norm for about two weeks before the semester comes to a close. Jean got little sleep due to his bad study habits but passes each final with confidence. He’s actually glad to get a break, go home for a bit to catch up on some much needed sleep. 

It doesn’t hurt as much being home, Jean doesn’t know if that is a good or bad thing. He missed his family, his friends that went to other schools. There are other things, other people he misses, but for whatever reason, it is like he can breathe easier. Maybe his brain knows something he doesn’t.

A few days after being home, his mom returns from work and calls him downstairs. Jean shuffles out of his room and descends the stairs with memorized ease. When he enters the kitchen where his mom is, she looks up and holds out a brown envelope.

“You got some mail.” She says is so nonchalantly, completely unaware of what she’s holding and how much it could mean to her son. 

Jean takes the envelope and immediately recognizes the handwriting on the back. His heart wants to pound out of his chest by the time he’s run back upstairs to lock himself in his room. He carefully tears the edge and pulls out a few pieces of worn lined paper. That’s definitely Eren’s handwriting. Jean can tell the first page was written in a rush, letters slant and crash together, a few words scribbled out after misspelling them. The top of the page is dated months ago, Jean stares in confusion and reads on. On the first page Eren explains how new and exciting things are. He’s pushed every day to get stronger, tougher, braver. He says the food is only ok, but he didn’t join the military to eat delicious food. He’s met some pretty decent people and gets along well with his squad. Eren says he misses home sometimes. Misses his family. Misses his friends. Misses him. 

The second page is dated later than the first one by several weeks. The writing is neater this time, not as rushed. Eren writes that he was scared to send the first letter. He wasn’t sure if it would have been too soon to send it. Too soon to miss him.

The third is from a month ago and it’s the shortest one. He’s going to get shipped out soon, not sure where yet. Rumor is that it will be overseas but not in a combat zone. Sending letters might be more difficult when he’s out of the country, might take weeks to get them. Eren says he thinks about him all the time. The guys in his squad talk about the girls they left behind at home and he can understand how they feel. He sends Jean well wishes, hope he’s enjoying art school, hope he’s happy.

“Post script: Miss you like you wouldn’t believe.”

Jean rereads the letters several times, runs his fingers over the ink, feeling the indentations of each word. His chest aches with every word he reads off the page but he hasn’t been this happy in months. 

—

Eren was 18 when he left for bootcamp. He knew it would be about a year of training, a year being away from home. But he was strong and determined, qualities that his commanding officers took note of. When word goes around that several squads are being sent overseas, he gets excited. His squad will most likely be one of the ones chosen to get shipped out. 

Eren is 19 when he is granted a short leave before going overseas. His parents are so proud, they say so nearly every hour. Most of his time is spent visiting family and the friends who are close by to home. Jean is still in school though. End of the year finals are going on so it looks like they just miss seeing each other. He didn’t tell Jean he would be home, he was hoping to surprise him. So Eren writes him a letter, seals it in a brown envelope and drops it in the Kirschstein family mailbox himself. This will have to do.

He gets sent to a country in southern Asia. There is no immediate threat in the area so it is a fairly easy going tour. All squads still have to participate in trainings, sometimes with other country’s military. He meets people from all over the globe. He tries a bunch of foreign food and learns about different cultures over the course of the 10 months he’s there.

His next leave isn’t until he’s halfway through his 20th year. This time it’s for a month. However, he spends a week still in Asia seeing the sights with some of the other guys from his squad before coming stateside. It takes a few days to come back stopping in this country, having a layover in that country. By the time he gets home a week and a half of his leave is already spent. And just his luck, Jean left to go back to school four days earlier. Apparently he is going to be an RA this year so he had to go back early for his orientation and prep for the incoming students. Eren laughs when he hears this, trying to imagine Jean dealing with a bunch of whiny freshmen or people in general. He’ll either be the most laid back RA or the most strict. 

As much as his heart craves to see Jean again, there is a part of him that is almost glad he wasn’t home. The time they would have together would just be a tease. They would fall hard and fast, get so caught up in each other only to be separated again. Eren knows it would have made leaving so much harder. 

He leaves another letter in Jean’s mailbox.

The rest of his leave is similar to the first. Family and a few friends come to visit to send him off. This time when he leaves, his mother cries squeezing him tightly before he gets on the bus to go back to base before shipping out. 

This tour isn’t as easy going. Most days, base camp is covered in a thick silence. Soldiers stand off to the side whispering their doubts and fears. Other days Eren would swear there wasn’t even a war going on outside the fences. Music blasts from tents and guys are lounging in the sun getting the strangest tan lines. 

Eren is 21 when it happens. A flash of light and searing pain.

Squad 104 is out on a patrol when they fall under enemy fire. A never ending string of bullets fly in all directions. Most of the guys are bunkered down behind debris of some decrepit building. Eren covers some guys as they move to a safer location a block down and around the corner. It’s so hard to see though, so much dust and dirt floating in the air. Then in goes silent, the gunfire ceases. He peeks around his blockade just in time to see a man on the roof throw something in his direction. A heavy thud hits the ground and Eren recognizes the shape of the object as a grenade. He turns to book it out of the blasting radius when he spots a member of his squad just standing there in the open. 

“What the hell are you doing!? Run!” 

The kid is frozen still, eyes wide with terror. Eren can’t leave him here. He backtracks to the soldier and drags him from his spot and pushes him behind the thick wall of the building right as the explosion goes off. 

Eren can feel dirt falling on his face, coughing up the dust in his lungs. His ears are ringing and his eyes are temporarily blinded by the blast and the dust it kicked up. He groans trying to roll over to get back on his feet but his leg is stuck. No, not stuck, pinned, and possibly crushed by a large section of the stucco wall that fell around him. From the knee down is hidden by the heavy piece of debris. He screams behind his teeth trying to release his leg but it doesn’t budge. Muffled yelling can be heard nearby, he can’t tell what language it’s in. Eren barely registers getting carried off and lifted in a helicopter to safety.

—

News about the explosion doesn’t reach Eren’s home town until a week later. It is two weeks into summer vacation and all his friends are hanging out at Connie’s when Jean hears of it. 

“Dude did you hear what happened to Eren!?” Connie gets right in his face, his expression nervous.

Jean’s stomach drops. “No. What happened?”

Connie relays the information he got from Armin, who heard from Mikasa, who had talked to Eren’s parents. Mr. and Mrs. Jaeger left a few days ago to go to Germany where Eren is being hospitalized. Says how Eren almost died trying to save a member of his squad, jumped right in front of a fucking grenade and a building landed on him. No one knows yet what kind of state Eren is in. He could be in a coma. Paralyzed. On his death bed for all they know. 

Jean doesn’t stay long at Connie’s. He makes an excuse that his mom needs him home for something and gets out of there. 

The house is empty when he arrives home. He completely breaks down in the foyer, clutching his chest and the key that still rests over his heart. Tears race down his face. Sobs wrack his body. Breathing gets increasingly difficult. He’s alive he tells himself. Eren is alive. No one knows his status, but for now, he’s alive.

A sudden calm comes over him. Tears stop falling and his lungs inflate with much needed air. Jean pulls himself up off the floor and goes to his room. he’s on autopilot, not quite registering the walls around him. When he walks through his bedroom door he sees several pieces of mail on his bed that his mom must have left for him. Sticking out from under a few white envelopes is the corner of a familiar brown envelope. He flies to the bed, tripping trying to run the short distance between the door and the bed and scrambles trying to open the paper envelope. His hands shake as he pulls out the tri-fold piece of paper and unfolds it. 

The page is blank. 

Jean stares at the paper in disbelief, turning it over several times looking for any sign of that chicken scratch Eren calls writing. He double checks the envelope, empty. His eyes scan every inch of his bed and his lap. There, hiding under his calf, a tightly folded paper square. With shaky hands, he carefully unravels the note, pausing before he unfolds the last crease.

It’s dated a week before the explosion. In the middle of the page there are only three words. Words they’ve never said out loud, in person. At the bottom of the paper, as usual, Eren’s messy signature.

Jean’s not sure if the sound that rips from his mouth is a laugh or a sob, maybe a combination of both.

—

Two and half weeks later, Eren’s parents return back to the states, without Eren. Word is Eren was awake and stable when they left. There were still a few small cuts and bruises on the skin that was exposed. He fractured his left forearm and has to be in a sling for a few weeks. His right leg was a mess. The doctors had to amputate from just below the knee. Eren will have to stay in the hospital in Germany for a few more weeks before he’ll be ready to be moved back to the states. His parents say he’s still his normal self, very optimistic and determined to get through this. The military still needs to do a psych analysis before Eren can leave, make sure he is sound enough mentally as well as physically to return home. 

—

Almost seven weeks have past since the explosion and Eren is finally coming home. A group of his family and friends are waiting on the airstrip watching the plane taxiing over to the drop off area. Eren’s parents are in the front, Mikasa and Armin close by to them. Jean stands a few feet behind them with the rest of their friends. Most of them are bouncing with excitement, talking about the party tonight, catching up with Eren mostly and every one else. The blonde can hear his pulse in his ears and his hands can’t stop fidgeting. Marco is next to him and puts a concerned hand on his shoulder, asking if he’s ok. Jean only nods but keeps his focus on the plane. The giant metal contraption gets closer every second but each second feels like hours. 

The plane finally stops and shuts down about twenty yards from the crowd. Cheers and applause erupt when the ramp on the back of the plane begins to descend. Lines of soldiers, men and women, walk down the ramp and find their families. The crowd turns into a sea of smiles and happy tears.

After a minute or two, Jean spots someone being wheeled down the ramp in a wheelchair. It’s Eren. Jean is sure his heart has stopped beating. Eren is here, yards away and getting closer. He’s actually here. 

The soldier pushing the chair, along with Eren’s father, helps the brunette stand and he slips the crutches under his arms to help him balance. Jean doesn’t miss the brief look of discomfort on Eren’s face when he puts a little weight on his right leg. He already has a prosthetic. They say the doctors were amazed at how well and how fast Eren had healed.

Eren hugs each of his parents. His mother gushes over him, smoothing her hands over his face, brushing the hair out of his eyes. He turns to Mikasa and Armin next and pulls them into a group hug. 

Jean feels like he can’t breathe when those blue-green eyes land on him and he sees the smile he’s missed over the years. 

He watches Eren detach himself from his two friends and walk between them towards Jean. Eren is a little wobbly on the crutches taking slow, small steps forward to close the small distance. The brunette is quick to let go of one of his crutches, letting it fall, and raise his good hand to the back of Jean’s head to pull him down into a kiss. 

Time comes to a standstill. For a few moments, it’s just the two of them. They don’t care who can see, they’ve hid themselves long enough anyways. Arms surround Eren’s waist as Jean presses closer to him, not just to get closer but also support him so he won’t fall over. Every single one of Jean’s senses are overtaken by the boy in his arms. Eren really is here, in his arms. He’s a little scratched up and bruised but he’s home, for good. 

The sound of obnoxious hollering from their friends bring them back to reality. 

Their lips part and Eren leans back to look up into those amber eyes, he missed those eyes. Every day he wished he got to see them one last time before he left that day years ago. He meant what he said in every letter. He missed Jean like crazy. 

Eren smiles wide up at Jean. “Did you get my last letter?”

The blonde nods and laughs lightly, trying really hard not to let the tears of joy roll down his cheeks. “Yeah, I got it.”

Jean pulls Eren closer again into a hug, he can feel Eren’s hand grip the back of his shirt, threatening to never let go.

He whispers, just so Eren can hear, “I love you, too.”

—

The remainder of the day is a blur of emotions. Everyone was invited back to the Jaeger’s for a party of sorts for Eren’s return. Extended family and more friends drop in and out to welcome Eren back. By the end of the night, Jean can tell Eren is exhausted, but the blonde is too selfish, he doesn’t want to leave Eren to go home yet. 

They are sitting outside on the back porch listening to the buzz of the summer insects. Eren’s parents are inside cleaning up, giving the two boys a little time to themselves.

Eren told his parents about their relationship when they visited him in the hospital in Germany. He wanted them to know in case anything went wrong. His parents told him it didn’t matter who he loved, he will always be their son and will love him unconditionally. 

Jean looks over at Eren leaning back in the oversized lawn chair, only lit by the lights through the windows of the house and the almost full moon above them. He can’t get over the fact that he’s sitting here with Eren again. Even though it has been years, with only letters that Eren sent as a way of communication, they are back to how they were when Eren left, except now everyone knows and they don’t have to hide. 

Eren feels eyes on him and glances at Jean. He reaches a hand out towards him and the blonde takes it with no hesitation, lacing their fingers together. 

Their comfy silence is broken when Jean speaks. “What time is your doctor’s appointment tomorrow?” 

“Late afternoon, around 2:00 I think. Then my parents want to treat me to dinner.” He shakes his head like it’s such a strange thing for parents to dote upon their wounded child. 

Jean hums and looks back out towards the top of the tree line and the sky. 

“I’m free the next day though. I don’t know how much I’ll feel like moving, but if I’m having a good day we can go get food or see a movie. Maybe even make it a date?”

“I guess we’re kind of overdue for one, huh?”

Eren laughs, “Yeah, by a couple of years, give or take. Better late than never right?” 

He squeezes Jean’s hand reassuringly, knowing where Jean’s mind will wander after those words fell out. 

It hurts to think that Jean almost lost Eren. But he is right, later is better than never.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if anything was inaccurate, I don't know too much about military going ons or and I know even less about the medical field/amputees, so if anything is beyond wrong, please tell me.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
